Log in

20 November 2012 @ 09:22 am
I've been in Melbourne now for 8 years now. Why did I leave Sydney? To get away from the booze and the drugs and the people who only wanted to do those things. I thought I'd travel, enjoy Melbourne, learn a language namely French... wait before I go on, how the fuck do I turn off spell check on this damn thing? I hate seeing the red underline fucking fuck!
I digress... I wanted to do things and be that, no more boring details necessary.

I've managed to find a passion in Travel. I suppose that's one good thing that's come of this, probably the only thing I set out to do. Nonetheless the friends that have lasted are the ones who booze and do drugs. Enough with the drinking and the coke. Why am I always drawn to these people? I occasionally meet interesting people whose principle interests aren't solely just booze and drugs but then the friendship is somehow fleeting. The ones that last are the ones who I get wasted with almost every time I see them. why are old habits so hard to get kill off? why can't I just become something someone new. Why don't I get along with people who don't drink? is it a bad thing?
02 May 2010 @ 11:25 pm
Have you ever done something so bad that you wanna kill yourself? I'm so ashamed of what I've done I can't tell you what it is it's so embarrasing. Don't worry it's not so bad that it's something criminal that you need to report me on but still... it's bad. Irrespectively, I don't feel like a decent person anymore. I might never be the smartest, funniest or best looking guy you'll ever meet but at least until recently I could say I was genuine, trustworthy, honourable, respectful and decent. I could hold my head up high knowing that deep down I knew I was a good person. Well that's changed now and I don't have those words left to hold onto to describe who I am anymore. If I'm not a decent person anymore then what's the point of going on? I wish I could say it was just a mistake that I could learn from and move on but unfortunately I was aware of what I was doing at the time. It was premeditated. it was deliberate. noone tricked me into doing it. and it certainly didn't happen by accident. I'm not insane so I can't use that as an excuse. I did something that wasn't right and I can't undo it.
I feel as though if I made an effort now to be good again it'd all be in vain. I'd feel like a fraud. But then of course I'd hate myself furher if I didn't try to be good but then... I know deep down that part of me is gone. That really good person is now gone.

I regret a number of things I've done in my life but most of those things I could pass off as being a silly/dumb kid. things like crashing a car, allowing things to be stolen from my parents' place, etc etc those things are stupid and show how immature and irresponsible I was at the time but it wasn't a mark against my good nature. Those are the silly immature things you can grow out of, the type of things a lot of teenagers/young adults might end up doing. Those types of things are careless mistakes.

This... is different. This is what real regret feels like.
05 August 2009 @ 10:58 am
I was going to hint about it on my facebook but too many of my coleagues are now on my facebook and whilst I don't expect that they'd dob me in necessarily, I do believe however whether intentional or otherwise things manage to leak out because of facebook thus not making it the safest forum for jutting out opinions about a corporation that I work for.

I'll preface by saying I took the job knowing it was a corporation, trying desperately at the time to work for a non-corporation but to no avail. Money was running low and unemployment at the time was increasing and the economy of the country at the time was going downward, so finding a job in that situation was paramount. Unfortunately it meant settling for this job.

For those that don't know I work as a measely Receptionist for the Sebel & Citigate Hotel owned by Mirvac corporation. Now my complaints might sound minor but nonetheless the actions and inactions of the hotel are unethical and on principle I hate things which are unethical.

For you and me a local call is a flat charge of $0.25. We aren't required to tell our guests that local calls are timed and therefore charged accordingly. It costs them a whopping $0.70 per minute for a local call. I know for a fact that some mobile rates are cheaper than that!
I have to stand there every other morning and justify to a guest that they have to pay upwards of $50 for a LOCAL phone call after they've specifically bought a calling card on the pretence that it would be cheaper. So that means they've spent $20 for a calling card they bought at a newsagent then pay the hotel for however long they spoke for as well; thus defeating the purpose of getting the calling card in the first place! THAT IS UNETHICAL!

A medical conglomerate is having a massive conference at our hotel which started earlier this week and is ending next Friday. There are 379 rooms at both hotels (in the one building) that I work for. They are taking up over 300 of those rooms. Included in their contracted rate with us is Room, Breakfast and Broadband Internet access. Monday night their first night was a disaster! Their supposed broadband internet was unacceptably slow and rightfully they complained. I bore the brunt of most of those complaints which is all good and well but when I ask the manager for a solution or a reason I find there's nothing we can do about it. In terms of revenue these guests are easily the most important guests that the hotel will have all year. Now considering HOW OFTEN the managers hammer us about revenue (read: desperately greedy for money) you would think that they'd fall to the floor and do anything for them. But instead their solution the next day? Sell them cards that allow them access to a similarly inferior/weak wireless internet service at the exorbitant rate of $8 per 30 minutes that THEY will have to cough up and pay individually. Bearing in mind that they were meant to get proper broadband service included in the first place. THAT IS UNETHICAL!!!
It's I who has to stand there looking at them face to face and tell them this good news! That is until after about 9pm and management finally make the decision to let them use the crappy wireless internet for free. But by then most of them are beyond being pissed off, have given up on using the internet and are probably wanting to sleep before a busy day ahead!

Fuck that, I need a new job at a NON corporation PLEASE!
07 June 2009 @ 01:53 pm
Since moving into this apartment there was always this creepy scratching noise at my window, funnilly enough it only occured at night when I was trying to sleep. It wasn't so much that it the creepiness made me imagine unspeakable monsters about to break in through the window but more so that the relentless scratching noise itself was keeping me awake. It got the point of just driving me nuts until one morning:

I opened the window, or I should say made it ajar as much as these new age apartments will let me. You know the ones that open enough to allow a minimal amount air in but not enough to leap out of and fall to a certain death? I grabbed as many branches as I could reach and broke them with my bare hands with great vigor and urgency or maybe more like bear hands crushing Loretta's skull (my duty manager at work). Yeah i broke them with that level of hatred coursing through my veins and it probably goes without saying but it felt fucking fantastic.
No more howling wind and creepy scratchings on my window at night anymore. I sleep a bit better these days.
19 May 2009 @ 10:01 am
I'm thinking about moving back to Sydney. All of a sudden things don't feel right here anymore. Or more to the point it feels the same as if I were in Sydney...
A sense of mourning when I think about my friendship ending with my housemate Adam who's personality transformation into a Ken Doll is all but complete. At a time in my life where I thought I was passed the era of 'burning' friendships was over. It seems the only truly solid friendship I can think of is Dan. It's great that I'll always have Dan, especially cos he's my cousin and all but it doesn't help that he lives on the other side of the world. I see potential in other friendships that could last a life time but heh both of them are in London at the moment, just as far as Dan really. I spoke to Loren on Skype the other day for an hour and a half and we were both wishing we could transport to one another just so we could have the conversation in person and just hang out and have a beer again. It was so great to catch up with her.

Ok I just wrote long emails and now that I'm back to this it's really late and I'm really really sleepy so can't be arsed finishing what I wanted to say. Just sum up by saying I really crave more than ever a really solid and close friendship right now.
Current Mood: sadsad
03 April 2009 @ 09:35 pm
Why is it that it's so easy for us to expose ourselves and our secrets on this forum? It's not that private when you think about it...

I remember once: I won't use her name more so out of respect for her rather than being worried she'd be able to see/read this but this girl I used to know used to go to the same primary school as me. It was big school and I was too shy to ever talk to girls back then anyways so I never knew or even talked to her back then. It was in my later years in high school that I came accross her on the internet. We realised who we were once we found out that we had the exact same birthday and went to the same school and once we told each other our full names. A face finally connected to the name. We got to know each other on the internet of all places. She told me that when she was 14 she went to Indonesia and got raped by 12 amateur rugby players who were on a trip to 'celebrate' their victory back in Australia. Again out of respect I won't rehash the details. Obviously I was devastated to hear such news inspite of how little I really knew of her. But then that's my whole point. She never told ANYBODY about that night, not even her parents. She told me how ashamed she was etc, none of her friends knew and yet on this forum she felt comfortable enough to tell me such a deeply personal secret. I really wonder why that is. I also don't know what happened to her as we lost contact. It's a shame cos I'd really like to know where and how she's doing these days. That was probably about 10 years ago.
I hope she's ok.
21 March 2009 @ 09:57 pm
I'm leaving this house in Carlton but not by my on volition. Things were never great between Lex and I but damnit I didn't realise the extent at which she was quietly hating me. Essentially giving my housemate Adam (to whom I thought was my best mate in Melbourne) the ultimatum it's either he or me. Being the girlfriend to which he's in love with where he's struggling to keep her in the relationship, let alone the house it wasn't hard for him to decide which party he was going to take the side of. But then let's face it he isn't the mate I once cherished and at times looked up to. He talks at great length his passion for Fightclub and its messages. I don't think it's the greatest film or book for that matter however its meaning we at least whole-heartedly agreed on. One of the foundations of our friendship even. Now he's dating a boring normal girl who likes earning lots of money and likes fucking Ikea furniture and puts up pictures of some goddamn shells on the mantle piece. He's gone from being a slacker who had charisma, in-depth knowledge and like for all things artistic and cultural to a sensible, narcissistic Gym junkie Ken doll. You used to talk so strongly against mediocrity and yet look at what you're becoming!!! Was what you were before just a bullshit act or are you really that piss easy to sway? As long as she's cute right?

Who gives a fuck I guess? I gotta find a new place to live and that's that.
15 March 2009 @ 11:15 pm
Travelling for me has imbued me with an unquenchable sense of adventure. An old flame emailed me today asking me to go to South America with her in May if only for a month or so. The sensible side of me says that's out of the question! No way Mark, you don't even have a job right now, even if you did, you'd then have to leave it after a month or so with unpaid leave if you are that lucky, and then what?? However the mischievous side of me said "oh my god mark, this is the best most exciting yet risky offer you've been given in a long time! It'll allow me to see parts I missed out on and have a fun/thrilling time doing it with a girl with whom I used to date back in Sydney. What could be more exciting than spontaneously taking off like that?

I haven't replied yet because there is a real and definite part of me that wants to fuck off and do that! I could sell off some assets here and there and just go. A bit of Angel vs Devil goin on in my mind. Should I stay or should I go?

Sense of adventure means you explore new places, meet locals and get a real sense for what their culture, religion and food are really like. For example Chinese drivers are bad drivers and Aussies hate them for it. I hate the way they talk so loudly on public transport. Their restaurants here can be good however people here don't have a true sense of how much better it is in China. I'm fascinated by how people think, how/where their way of being derives from. Learning and picking up on the differences and why those differences occur. They spit and don't wait in lines and will run you over even if you have a green man at the lights... but that's beijing for you. The most populous city in the world with 30 million people. It's every man for himself. talking loudly is like a must, it's the only way to be heard. Waiting in lines? That's for sissys and you think it's frustrating to wait in traffic here?
I still don't like the spitting or the not waiting in lines but going there at least makes me understand why they do it.

You can read about cultures and religions and what not in a book or on the internet but I think you get so much more out of your learning by seeing, feeling and experiencing these things first hand. For eg going inside one of the oldest mosques in the world in Damascus, Syria and watching what they actually do whilst simultaneously learn the "why" is an experience that can't be bought. You can read that they have to wear pants or that they wash themselves prior to entering and praying but witnessing it first hand in an environment that is entirely their own. sitting on the carpet quietly and observing their prayer rituals, staying at one's house and chatting about their ways over Chai and been given their prayer beads upon leaving is a travelling memory that'll stay with me forever. At first I hated being woken up by the sounds of "the call to prayer" from the mosques but your mind and body gets used to it to the point where you learn to appreciate it rather than being against it.

As mentioned before food is different and in my opinion usually a lot better in its country of origin. Would you rather go to a Gourmet Pizza restaurant in Melbourne/Sydney or would you rather go to Antica Pizzeria Port’Alba in Naples - the first Pizza place in the world? (Not to forget you are paying a fraction of the price) Their pizza is remarkably simple yet such a tasty treat. The base, the tomato paste they use... mmmm. And with other pizza places in Italy they don't over do it with the cheese like how Americans and Australians do. Exotic topics to us is normal for them.
Or how about that indescribably special feeling you get the moment you step into the sistine chapel in Vatican City for the first time.
Or eating Malai kofta and chapati with your hands, chomping on cucumbers and slamming down chai after chai sitting on the floor in Jaipur, Rajasthan with a bunch of Indian dudes laughing and story telling amongst ourselves. That to me is far more interesting than ordering take away butter chicken and slouching in front of a tv only to eat it on a nice plate with a knife and fork.

Lastly is seeing the amazing and different landscapes. The White calcium cascading hills in Pammukale or the alienlike rock formations/landscape of Kapadokya also in Turkey are prime examples not to be missed. Climbing up 2800 steps after 5 days hiking - your efforts being rewarded with the sight of Machu Picchu. The Torres Del Paine National Park in Patagonia. Towers of the water it translates to in English. When you actually witness these mountainous towers standing tall and looking over the most unbelievably turqouise coloured lake after just walking 3 hours with a large heavy back pack on your back...

My next plan is to go to Africa. I've never had much African food in my life. I count Egyptian to be more middle eastern in culture/food even though geographically it sits in Africa. I'm so curious about what a real African tribe would be like. (not in a patronizing way) I'd love to try their customs, I wanna climb Killamanjaro, see Victoria falls, scuba dive in mozambique and see kruger national park on a safari. But this time, most of all I wanna help build houses in somewhere in West Africa like Ghana and/or teach English whilst they teach me French.

On another topic, since that day I was anxious I felt a nervous energy for the rest of the week. It was horribly uncomfortable yet it didn't stop me from doing things.It was an odd physical feeling to go through. Thankfully that's over today a new day a new week, better feelings.
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
11 March 2009 @ 05:34 am
Woke up at 4:30am I think it was someone using the toilet. My sleep must've been pretty light for me to wake up from something like that. Unusual for me. I lay there immovable. My eyes are still crunching as if they'd still be bloodshot had I looked in the mirror. I'm still well and truly sleepy yet I already feel like I can't sleep. My breathing unsteady, my heart beat is irregular but generally on the fast side of unease. My mind swirling, unable to keep any one thought at bay. I know this feeling. It's a nervous energy. I don't remember the last time I've felt like this. Anxiety. but about what exactly? About not having a job? I'm as healthy as I've ever been. Played tennis for 4 hours the other day and felt great. My diet has been simple but healthy. I've been walking regularly, I have proof of that. So what the fuck is wrong now? My mind swirls again and comes back to the idea that I'm anxious about not having a job. I feel it in my mind and in my gut. It's only just been 2 weeks of being unemployed and yet I feel like this already? Jobs I'm applying for. Jobs that are well within my specialty, I'm getting rejected for on a regular basis now. What the fuck do I do if I can't get work in my specialty? The kind of work I'm good at, I'm being rejected for. I can't tell you how demoralising that feels. It's hit me now and (want for better phrasing) it feels like a tonne of bricks.

This isn't me, this isn't me. I don't usually get anxious. This is for other people to feel. I'm strong, I've been there and done that with these feelings. I've pushed through it before, I know I have. Why is it back, why is it the same?

I just deleted a long long piece of trite that followed. bullshit you don't need to see. I don't need to see.

I'm going to an NBL grand final game tonight. I've never felt so unenthusiastic for such an event. If you know how I love going to a game of Basketball in particular a final... you know how odd it is for me to be so unenthused! Things just ain't right!
Current Mood: anxiousanxious